


My Pages of Concern

by chillydown



Category: Call of Cthulhu: Shadow of the Crystal Palace
Genre: Coping, Epistolary, Gen, Post-Canon, background mentions of Badger, canon typical creepiness, implications of Hana/Alexandra if you squint, letter writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-10
Updated: 2019-12-10
Packaged: 2021-02-26 07:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,444
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21749635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chillydown/pseuds/chillydown
Summary: After their events at the Crystal Palace, Hanako and Alexandra keep in touch via letters.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11
Collections: Yuletide 2019





	My Pages of Concern

**Author's Note:**

  * For [navaan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/navaan/gifts).



There were moments when Hana envied everyone else. Alexandra was able to just leave, going off to who knows where, some monastery up in the mountains. Badger’s whole life seemed to revolve around Merriweather, a man who knew about these things already. But she had to continue playing pretend, trying to hide the fact that anything had happened and go about her business like the events of that fateful night never affected her.

It was difficult. Hana trended towards long dresses with full sleeves nowadays. She steeled herself whenever anyone touched her back, trying to hide emotion. After the first time she woke up screaming, she became even more adept at lying. Just a brief touch of hysteria, you know. Womanly things. Nothing some time in the country couldn’t fix.

When she received her first letter from Alexandra, she almost cried with relief.

_Dear Miss Hayashi,_

_I am terribly sorry I didn’t write you earlier. Writing while traveling is always a hassle and I knew that once I reached my final destination, sending mail would go more smoothly. Of course, it still is a bit of a hassle, writing you from so far away, but the postal service reaches a village half a day’s journey away from the monastery. The journey is worth it to speak with a familiar face._

_I must admit, I have come to the monks for personal reasons as well as those involving our recent exploits. I have been having terrible dreams and barely manage a full night’s sleep these days. The monks have suggested that I talk with those who have shared the same experience. And so, I write to you._

_Do not think that this is just me writing to you for my sake. I do miss you and desperately want to know what is happening back in London. My address is enclosed. I await your response._

_Yours,  
Alexandra Elise O’Neill_

\---

It was nice being with the monks. Alexandra could feel herself settling into a routine. Wake up for dawn meditation, spend the morning studying, join the monks for lunch, return to studying in the afternoon, join the monks for dinner and a sunset exultation, spend a few hours to herself before attempting to sleep. Routine was good. For someone who spent so much of her life bucking convention and disparaging routine, it was interesting how easily she managed to settle into one.

Every other week Alexandra made the half-day’s journey to the nearby village to pick up the post for the monastery. She desperately wanted to go more often but the head monk’s repeated admonitions of patience rang in her ears. And so, grumpily, she waited.

One day, the only piece of mail was a letter addressed to her. She tore the envelope open and read it on the spot.

_My dear Alexandra,_

_You cannot imagine how happy I was to receive your letter. London remains the same as always. People go about their business, unaware of what lurks in the shadows. I want to take them by the shoulders, point and scream and turn them towards the mirror, begging them to see what we know exists. But I can’t. Not all of us are lucky enough to have a monastery full of supporting ears. I take my comfort from you, Captain Badger, and Mister Merriweather._

_(The latter two are doing fine, by the way. Badger and I meet up weekly for tea. He’s slightly jumpy, but aren’t we all these days? I haven’t seen Mister Merriweather in a while, but Badger reassures me that he is doing well.)_

_Society remains the same as always. The Crystal Palace seems to have steady attendance, though I haven’t returned since that night. Badger says that a few people on staff have been asking about Dr. Pockets, though nobody has taken any action more definite than gossip._

_Goodfellow’s (Archie’s? I still don’t know how to write about him). Anyway, his disappearance has become a cause célèbre--the man was a known spiritualist, after all. I’ve planted a few suggestions that he’s simply on holiday, though I don’t know if they will stick._

_Please write back soon. I miss talking with you._

_Yours, Hanako._

\---

Her mother had discovered the clawed scars on her back. It’s a mishap as Hana’s mother spotted her before she had her dressing gown fully on, before the thicker material could hide the light cotton of her nightgown. Unsurprisingly, there were questions. Hana attempted to deflect the questions, claiming that it was a riding accident that happened when she was last on holiday, the scars have healed up wonderfully, they don’t hurt or anything like that. She wasn’t sure if her mother believed her. One thing was certain: her mother was worried enough to send Hana to a pharmercy, to pick up a cream that’s supposed to lessen the appearance of scars.

She told the doctor that she got the scars from being attacked by a dog. While her mother might not recognize claws, Hana was certain the doctor might. Hana wasn’t certain whether he believed her or not, but he prescribed the cream whose only purpose seemed to burn at her back, scars flaring with pain wherever the cream touched it.

She attempted to tell Badger about this, to at least gain a sympathetic ear. But the man seemed oddly distracted during their last meeting and spent most of the time looking at his water glass or catching his reflection in nearby windows. It was a nervous habit, nothing more, but it wore on Hanako’s nerves, adding to the worries already caused by her scars. Alexandra’s letter proved a welcome relief. It couldn’t distract her fully, but even a slight distraction was appreciated.

_Dear Hana,_

_I wish I could help you with regard to the Goodfellow matter. One can’t do much about English rumors this far east. Still, you’re smart enough to figure something out on your own._

_If you wish to talk to me, then talk to me you shall. Things are quiet here. I hate to admit it, but I miss the hustle and bustle of England. Noise might be a distraction, but better that than the silence. I can’t help but hear voices that may or may not exist, things breathing down my neck whenever the world gets too quiet._

_The monks have mentioned rumors of another red stone, like the one we found, in a nearby village. I suspect I will travel there soon, but the monks are hesitant to let me go there. I wish they would let me. If there is something out there like what we faced, I want to face it myself and stop it from harming others._

_Please send my regards to Badger and the rest.  
Yours, Alexandra_

\---

The monks introduced her to yoga. The bending and moving around was quite awkward, but it was the final part, the shavasana, that helped still Alexandra’s mind more than any back bends or attempts at balancing. She had grown close to her teacher, a monk named Tenzing, a man who also worked in the archives. Together they talked, learning about what had happened, what could happen, and what other things might be lurking in the shadows.

Tenzing also taught her a method to help block out pain, testing Alexandra’s will with hot coals and pricking needles. By casting one’s mind out, one could essentially view the pain from a distance. Soon, she could block out the pain from the act of drawing blood or cutting of flesh. Badger still walked with a cane and Hanako had been torn up by one of those beings. Perhaps she could teach them this method. It could at least help a little.

She still talked to the monks about the possibility of investigating that red stone. Red stone, black mirror, green planchet. Having a red stone show up now, here, after all that they had been through, couldn’t be a coincidence. Those thoughts continued to roam through her head as she opened Hana’s newest letter.

_My dearest, Alexandra._

_I wish that I was in the East with you! Maybe then I could tell you to forget about that fool’s errand and leave that stone alone. We’ve already been through so much, I don’t want you to be hurt. I doubt you will listen to me but please: let the monks take care of this._

_Thankfully, London is noisier than your monasteries. Unfortunately, the darkness seems to be my problem. I’ve had trouble sleeping lately. I know that things aren’t in the shadows but during that period when one is about to sleep, when the mind naturally starts to see things, I see hands in the shadows. Tendrils reaching out towards me, as if they intend to pull me in with them._

_I hate to ask, but do your monks know anything to calm the mind? It isn’t for me: what I see are nightmares, plain and simple. But I’m afraid Badger has been tense lately. He’s too proud to ask for help, but it’s becoming noticeable enough that others have spotted it. Anything to help calm his nerves, the better._

_Sending my regards, Hanako_

\---

She didn’t want to tell Alexandra the extent of Badger’s jumpiness. What had started as a slight compulsion was growing into full blown paranoia. He checked his reflection every minute or so. Crossing the street to look at himself in a window, pausing conversations to look at a pocket mirror he carried, staring at the backs of silverware during dinner. The man was growing gaunt as well. Though he desperately tried to hide it, Hanako could tell that poor Badger was getting worse.

She had talked with Mister Merriweather about it. Badger had no family and Merriweather assured her that he would give his butler the best medical treatment needed...but the fact that they were discussing medical treatment in the first place chilled her.

Because as far as she could see, there wasn’t any medical treatment for what was happening to Badger. There was no cure, just drugs or an asylum. And no doctor would believe what they had seen.

It was exhausting. Exhausting, yet also worrying. Because a part of Hanako’s mind couldn’t help but worry that she would be next. Two of them vanished, one dead, one slowly going mad. That left her and Alexandra. Which one of them would falter first?

Alexandra’s letter, something that should have been comforting, only frayed on her nerves even more.

_To my Hanako,_

_I wish I could heed your warnings, but I can’t. The monks need to stay and protect the monastery. They need someone who can travel, who won’t arouse suspicion when traveling, and who can manage themselves on their own. They need me. And so, I will help._

_You know the monks sent me to London in the first place to find a green planchet, our green planchet, the one needed in the ritual. They have worked with these items for years, to keep the hungry people, the things behind the mirror at bay. The things we helped let loose. I worry that they might be trying to break through again._

_I don’t want anyone else to suffer the way we have. I don’t want their blood on my hands as well._

_I hope you can understand._

_Yours, Alexandra_

_P.S. I’ve enclosed a page with a description of various calming and restorative techniques from the monks. I hope that one of them helps._

\---

She had purchased train tickets, packed up what little she had, and said goodbye to the monks. Alexandra had directions to the town’s contact, the man who knew where the planchet might be. She was loaded down with talismans and trinkets, good luck charms of every sort, in the vain hopes that at least one of them could ward off whatever challenged her.

Alexandra wouldn’t lie: a part of her was terrified about this journey. But a part of her was also exciting. Their sojourn in the Crystal Palace was fun, at first. And if this went well, it had the potential to be as fun as that one. But when she thought of that adventure, she felt the memory of something hovering being her, breathing down her neck.

This journey had to be better. She didn’t want to think otherwise.

Before she left, Alexandra checked back at the post, stopping in the small little town once more. A little part of her hoped and prayed that Hana had sent her a letter, that Hana would understand. But as she read the letter, a short thing that only consisted of three words unmistakably written in Hana’s handwriting, Alexandra frowned.

_Don’t do this._

As she threw away the letter, Alexandra adjusted her pack once more and left the small post office.

\---

Badger had gotten worse.

The word that she spread around was that the man was simply unwell and had taken a leave of absence to go to the countryside for a spot of fresh air--weren’t the conditions in the cities horrid these days? Why, she had a friend who lived nearby one of those factory mills and so on and so forth. It was easy to spin a tale, drop a little gossip here and there, and help people believe something that was true, yet untrue at the same time.

Because Badger had taken a leave of absence to go to the countryside. But he had taken a leave of absence to go the countryside and be tended by a team of private doctors and physicians. To try and make it so maybe, one day, the man could make it through a simple conversation without checking his reflection in a window.

Hanako desperately hoped that one day, he would recover enough of his wits. Because it was lonely here, with nobody else to talk to. It had been months since she heard from Alexandra. In her heart, Hanako suspected she wouldn’t hear from the other woman ever again.

She was so sick of losing people.

And she was so sick of lying. Lying to the doctors, lying to her parents, lying to anybody who noticed her staring off into the shadows, lying to get out of an excursion to the Crystal Palace, lying She was sick and tired of it. And so, when she was tired of lying, Hanako simply sat in a chair and closed her eyes, petting Nyan and trying not to tense or worry when the cat hissed at seemingly nothing.

It was a tiresome existence. But, it was her existence. And so she continued on, lying, visiting, tensing at noises, and pretending to be something close to normal.


End file.
